Locking in victimhood
How trans and non-binary kids are taught that they can never ever win
Gender-questioning kids are, before or during social or medical transition, set on a pathway of perpetual victimhood. There is no way to win at being transgender or non-binary. There’s no endpoint, there’s no happy ever after. Here's how I think this happens.
Kids are told lies about how great transition will be
At school or online, kids (by which I mean children and young adults) are taught that (a) they can literally change sex; (b) if they do it will fix all their problems; and (c) that everyone will accept them as their nominated sex.
When kids go through with transition they discover all of these things are lies.
Changed names, clothes, pronouns, blockers, drugs or surgery don’t really make them a different sex and their new identity will probably make them considerably less confident and sure of themselves. They have been encouraged to break the connection with reality. Their embodied experiences grounded in material reality are, in the transitioned state, discarded and their gender identity takes precedence. In this bewildering state, kids are further gaslit by being told their new invented identity is their true authentic self.
And, despite the hype they have heard, underlying social or mental health issues or unresolved family problems that may have pushed them to transition will still exist after transition. What’s more, lots of people won’t, as promised, go along with their new identity.
Having taken what might be seen as a drastic and dramatic step, things don’t go to plan. It must be heartbreaking. Kids should not be lied to.
Kids are told they are hated
The overwhelming message from trans activists and a perspective that now dominates mainstream media is that there are menacing groups of people like TERFs1 who hate trans kids and want them dead. Imagine telling kids they are hated. What a horrible thing for a kid to carry around. Surely good faith trans activists, even ones who fervently believe that transition is beneficial, could, without compromising their views, take a much gentler approach. They could tell kids that there are lots of people who really care about them and want them to be happy and healthy but have very different ideas about what that involves.
Kids are taught that it’s affirmation or death
Kids are told that if they are not affirmed by everyone they will have mental health issues or they will commit suicide. In New Zealand, the usual caution around reporting suicide and its causes is thrown to the wind when it comes to transgender issues and suicide. Guidance that is put in place to prevent further suicides is ignored when discussing the suicide risk of transgender kids. A key part of the guidance is not to attribute suicide to a single cause. A quick scan of New Zealand media would suggest our journalists are hell-bent on doing the very opposite when it comes to trans-identified kids.
Parents are taught it’s affirmation or death
Parents report that they are also recipients of this alarmist suicide narrative. They get told by doctors, social workers and other professionals that if their kid doesn’t transition, get puberty blockers or have other gender-affirming interventions they will commit suicide. There’s no evidence for this. Vulnerable kids who would benefit from stable, calm parents who help them figure out gender dysphoria will instead have their own fears about suicide and transition reinforced by terrified and misinformed parents.
Kids are taught deadnaming and misgendering are hate crimes
Kids are told that if someone misgenders2 them or uses a deadname3 then that is a hate crime. In New Zealand, we’ve even got an open Law Commission discussion paper suggesting that this is a reasonable position to take and asking submitters whether this idea should become law. But it’s not hateful for people to have a different view than someone else. Kids should be taught this.
To go along with a trans person's identity (not just out of politeness or fear) someone has to 1) believe people can change sex and 2) believe that the person in question has changed sex. These ideas are very new, very controversial and are not grounded in common sense or the material world.
Even if a kid manages to persuade most of the people around them to accept their new identity, there will always be someone—a grandma, a toddler, a random shopkeeper, a celebrity—who hasn’t been sufficiently trained in, or convinced by gender theory, to call a kid by their new name or pronoun. In this way, kids are doomed to be forever disappointed. They will never get everyone in the world to agree with them. They can never win.
Kids are taught they don’t exist unless they are affirmed
Kids are taught that affirmation by others is central to the trans experience. If a kid is not affirmed they are told that they are being dehumanised or invalidated and must join in trans protests and hold up placards saying odd and unusual things like I am valid, and Trans people are real. Teaching a kid that they don’t really exist unless others agree with their self-perception and belief system is worrying. This emphasis on external affirmation teaches kids to put their personal locus of power entirely in the hands of other people. It’s the ultimate act of disempowerment.
Kids are taught other people’s views are a form of genocide
Kids are taught that any other view of gender and sex besides gender ideology is not simply another view but literal violence and genocide. Reference to biological reality, reproductive systems or the evolution of sex among mammals, or the idea that women can’t have penises, become existential threats to kids caught up in trans ideology. Kids learn that such beliefs will cause them harm, that they are under siege and the world is hostile to them.
Kids who medically transition have compromised health
If kids undergo medical transition, a whole host of new problems will emerge because blocking, hormones or surgery make people less well, it disturbs their bodily health. If people go off the idea of transitioning, it's hard to detransition gracefully, and kids lose community and face. They may be considered an enemy by the trans community that once embraced them.
Kids are denied the right to grow up
If kids take puberty blockers they’re denied the opportunity to grow naturally into their skin, their sexuality and their self. The best known cure for gender dysphoria is, at this point, natural puberty. In addition, there’s growing concern that puberty blockers stop cognitive development. A cohort of kids might grow up without having the brain maturity, the sexual maturity or the confidence of their peers. They face adulthood as victims of an ideology they thought was the only thing that would save them.
There is no way for trans-identified or gender-questioning kids to win. There will always be people who won't go along, transition won't solve underlying mental issues, and they have been hyped into a fanatical them and us mentality. They are forever victims of a hostile world.
This victimhood fuels the trans activist movement. It is engendering fragility, marginalisation and entitlement. Tiktoks of girls weeping in cars when a shopkeeper calls them 'she'. Boys filming themselves in girls' loos calling any girl who wants boundaries a bigot. Frantic wild-eyed teenagers who believe there is a trans genocide happening despite the lack of bodies. Kids feeling abandoned because they are told that their Mum, who is worried about them taking drugs that will stuff up their endocrine system, is motivated by hate not love.
This is not a movement that teaches kids resilience, self-awareness, stability or self-respect. It doesn’t teach them that adults on the whole want the best for them. It doesn’t teach them to be secure in their own identity and comfortable with themselves despite other people’s opinions. It teaches them to be afraid, angry, to believe themselves hated, and to rely entirely on others for their sense of self-worth. For all its talk of trans joy and authentic selves it is a movement that depends on fragility, fear and vulnerability. Without the machine of victimhood the current iteration of trans rights activism would disappear.
Trans exclusive radical feminists, a label given to those who are concerned about the impact of gender ideology on women’s and girls right, and cautious about kids transitioning, a position motivated by deep concern and compassion for gender dysphoric kids.
Misgendering refers to calling a person who has adopted a new gender identity by their old pronouns.
Deadnaming refers to calling a person who has adopted a new gender identity and name by their old name.
Locking in this victimhood mentality involves massive lying to children who are programmed to believe that the adults around them are trustworthy figures who will keep them safe. https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/lying-to-our-children-hey-all-parents
Great article. I often think that there is a curious passivity to claiming a transgender identity and you have captured exactly how that works. Its dovetails into the twin drives of individuation and belonging that are each so important in adolescence.