Dear "But I don't mind" women

In which I talk about toilets, sisterhood and solidarity

Dear women who say “But I don’t mind sharing public toilets with a transwoman”,

I am speaking here to those of you who use this statement as a reason to support campaigns to rid New Zealand of single-sex spaces for women and girls and to villify those who wish to protect them. The campaign is two-pronged. Firstly, the campaign is to allow anyone who identifies as female (regardless of material reality) into female loos, bathrooms and changing rooms. Secondly, the campaign tries to get rid of single sex loos altogether replacing all single sex spaces with unisex, all gender or “gender inclusive” loos. The campaign is working. Without much consultation our public and commercial spaces are being transformed.

We hear from the ‘But I don’t mind’ crew all the time. You’re all over social media, all over the media, in private Facebook groups, in Parliament, everywhere, anywhere, one of you smiling righteously or patiently and saying “But I don’t mind”. There is a veritable chorus of you. You are however, my old misguided friends, what we call over-represented in the public discourse.

You’re not the majority

Public conversations are largely controlled by social influencers, political leaders, journalists and bureaucrats. Your voices are getting amplified because nice, compliant girls who don’t make trouble or have too many boundaries are (as per usual) in vogue with this elite. Even on relatively open social media platforms, those who like single-sex spaces know they’ll attract a pile on, so they don’t just speak up.

The idea that men who identify as women should be allowed into women-only spaces is presented on social media and in mainstream media as the majority view. Opponents are pitched as a tiny, hateful minority. But that’s all wrong.

A Curia poll last September found only 34% of New Zealanders support allowing men who identify as women into women’s spaces. That’s pretty low especially given the relentless campaign by New Zealand mainstream media to push a narrative that males who identify as women or girls are unfairly being kept out of spaces. These articles consistently frame the issue in terms of human rights and discrimination—but they’re only thinking of trans people. You’ll be hard pressed to find an article that represents the idea that female-only spaces provide protection, dignity and safety for women or one that even mentions the impact on women’s rights. It’s like women are no longer very interesting or important.

You’re not being feminist

Some of you “But I don’t mind” women even claim to be feminists. Ha, that’s not what’s coming out of your mouth. I mean there are actual really complicated and sophisticated rules to being a feminist. Like believing sexism is a thing, is a bad thing and wanting to end it. I shouldn’t mock, there’s been a sustained public information campaign trying to convince you that real feminism is not about women any more. Confusion is understandable. You will, I hope, soon see sense.

Think about it though. Think about it away from the flags and the fury. It’s profoundly anti-feminist to promote the idea that women who have boundaries (different boundaries to you) are problematic. That’s what misogynists and anti-feminists have always done. They’ve said if men want something and you don’t give it to them, you’re immoral, stuck up, bad, a tease, a prude, a bitch, a witch or a lesbian, but not the fun kind that let men watch. Good girls, nice liberal women that anti-feminists approve of, are the ones who let males do what they want. Now, using the moral tut-tutting language of trans rights activists, such women are labelled mean, bigoted, transphobic, exclusive, far-right conservative Christians or just not as damn cool as you.

You’re not showing compassion to other women

The “But I don’t mind” statement is presented as if it’s a real argument for getting rid of single sex spaces altogether. But will ya listen to yourselves, ya wee poppets? I want to say, “So what?” Actually I’ll say it. So what?

So what if you’re comfortable sharing loos with transwomen? Bully for you. This isn’t a policy about you and your levels of comfort. This is about policies that affect every single woman. Every woman who was, what you might call (but I don’t) “assigned female at birth”, is affected by opening up women’s loos, changing areas and bathrooms. It’s not about you, it’s about the entire biological class of females. Even if you don’t want them you can and should fight for female-only spaces for other women and girls.

• Single sex loos is a policy that affects every women frightened of being with males in enclosed spaces.

• It’s a policy that puts women and girls, regardless of if they believe this, in greater risk of violence. Over 98% of sexual violence against women and girls is perpetrated by males.

• It’s a policy that affects every survivor traumatised by being in spaces with penis-bearers she doesn’t know.

• It affects every woman who for religious or cultural reasons is uncomfortable or forbidden from being in an enclosed space with a male (regardless of whether that male identifies as a female).

• It’s a policy that affects every teenage girl with her period, going through the deep self-consciousness characteristic of her age, and desperately requiring privacy.

• It’s a policy that affects every women with the kind of disability that makes her much more vulnerable going to the loo or changing her clothes.

• It’s a policy that affects every woman who, for whatever reason, is more comfortable in a bog without penises. It affects every woman who is freaked out or frightened or embarrassed about not being able to be in a space without males. It affects every women who just feels that it is more private, safe, comfortable and dignified being in a female space when they do stuff which involves bodily processes.

You’re denying other women the right to consent

And you, especially you who think you have feminist credentials, why the hell do you think it’s okay to deny other women their boundaries? Why would you tell women that they should overcome their instinct for self-preservation? Why should you deny another woman the right to avoid partially removing clothing near a member of the group of people responsible for over 98% of sexual violence towards her sex? Why would you think it’s okay to tell other women that what they feel about being in single sex spaces is not okay? What part of feminism are you drawing on to say that women can’t state boundaries and have them respected? Where’s the bit of feminism or decency that makes you think you can consent for other women?

Why don’t women and their safety, privacy, dignity and boundaries matter to you? Why do you prioritise the desires of penis havers (or penis hadders) over women?

You’re minimising the importance of women and girls’ safety

And before you rant on at me, of course I know all transwomen aren’t predators. The argument for single sex spaces is nothing to do with that. Even if every transwoman was a completely safe person they still shouldn’t come into women’s spaces. Even if some transwomen were not gleefully posting selfies of themselves in women’s bathrooms (1) or declaring I am going to be in your space if you like it or not (2); even if there wasn’t an entire genre of porn dedicated to transwomen getting off in women’s bathrooms (3); even if every trans person was a delightful, gentle, considerate, human being, they still shouldn’t come into women’s spaces. And they probably wouldn’t want to, because being considerate they would avoid doing something they know makes the majority of women really uncomfortable.

In terms of safety, getting rid of single sex spaces (or opening them up) is about destroying the social norms about who is welcome and expected in female spaces. Many transwomen do not present in particularly feminine ways. There is no way to tell if a male entering the women’s loos is a transwoman or a predatory male. Letting males enter female spaces breaks the social contract of female-only spaces.

Women, facing any male in a female bathroom, will feel unable to challenge them. They will fear being socially shamed for being transphobic. In addition challenging males, who are almost always bigger and physically stronger than females, in a place away from public view is risky. Women will be too scared to follow their gut instinct about what is and isn’t okay.

There’s only one way to avoid this, no males in female loos, changing rooms or bathrooms, ever.

Sincerely and in sisterhood,

Garwhoungle

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There’s currently an open BRANZ survey about your opinions on public bathrooms. It closes on 16 August 2024. It’s supported by the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment and might influence policy.

I ask you, please be kind when you answer. Don’t think just about yourself, or just about those women and girls most comfortable opening up single-sex spaces. Think about those most vulnerable and those least comfortable with it. That’s the sisterhood, we look out for each other. Please think of those women and girls for whom single sex spaces are important and allow them to participate fully in public life.

I think a great option is ensuring all public buildings have single sex and unisex toilets. This provides a dignified option for transgender people and retains the benefits of single sex spaces for women.

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Footnotes

1. Compilation of X photos in women’s loos.

(2) and this charmer

(3) Page 1 of Google search results: “women’s toilet porn trans”